My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
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Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”