“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.