frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
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“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Sharon, call the vet
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?