I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
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Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I’m just playing devils avocado here
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
A wise man once said nothing.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.