I remember when things only cost an arm.
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A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Name another movie that mislead you?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”