[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
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not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
me 2 months after i graduated
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
When does CPR become necrophilia?