Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
You Might Also Like
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Risking my life for fun.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.