Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
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Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.