If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
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I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I only say stupid things when I talk.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”