Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
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“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
President The Rock Obama
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.