I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
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If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.