“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
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If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
seems fine
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.