If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
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“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?