Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
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The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…