kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
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[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.