About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
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I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
i have one speed and it’s mosey
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
what the hell pray for carter everyone
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*