My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
You Might Also Like
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.