Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
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When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Sniffing the broccoli
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Seek kebab; not attention
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.