Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
You Might Also Like
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]