My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
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Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
dads on road-trips be like
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.