dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
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I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
What is going on? 😅
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.