Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave