Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
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Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
is there nothing we can trust anymore
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
no their not
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.