I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
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I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
The Backseat Boys
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor