JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
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Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.