Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
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You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
🖤✌🏽
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.