Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
You Might Also Like
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Go hard or stay average
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.