Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
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I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us