I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
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How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.