The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
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her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Whoa 😂
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB