My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids