The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
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Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*