I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
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My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
i wish we could shoplift online
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.