As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
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guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff