“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
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*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
2023 was just a warmup
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.