Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
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Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Come back with a warrant
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.