Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
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Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
The answer is funnier than the question
This kid is going places
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
My flabber has been gasted.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*