WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
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I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
tinder is all about the long game
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?