I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
You Might Also Like
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.