Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
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“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
What fresh Hell is this?!?
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.