Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
You Might Also Like
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Monica just destroyed the internet
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.