internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
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WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
A short story of betrayal:
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people