Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
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Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Two types of dogs.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
[canadians at you, canadianly]
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.