When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
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[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”