why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
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If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.