I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
You Might Also Like
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Body by cheese-puffs.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
This bar smells like my childhood.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year