You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
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ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.