I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
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fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?