Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
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*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive