[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
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“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I think about this a lot
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”